For someone who has never felt that little flutter of movement or a full-blown kick in the ribs (from within the ribs, that is), it must be hard to imagine how a baby lost before he or she was even born can be missed so very much.
The loss of a baby, at any stage of the pregnancy or after birth, is just as much a loss as that of someone with whom you’ve grown up. From the moment you know there’s another life inside of you, to the time you see a strange black and white, two-dimensional, moving baby-like shape that they tell you is your baby, to the first time you feel something that you know is not any part of your body moving, there’s a kinship growing with that baby, despite the fact that you’ve never seen his or her face or heard his or her voice.
In an unexpected sense, it can be even harder to grieve for someone whose life holds so few memories, many of which may be less than pleasant–morning sickness and cramps aren’t exactly the greatest memories to consider. This, though, is a time to focus on the happy memories, not only those directly tied to your child–the first ultrasound, the first movement–but also those only related to your baby–the father’s delight when you told him the news, the fun you had looking through clothes and bedding.
Whether you lost your baby due to a miscarriage or to complications during or after delivery, do be sure to get any medical attention that you need. If you need addition professional help, don’t hesitate to get it. It’s hard enough to deal with the grief when your hormones are in normal balance. When your body is working so hard to adjust to the newest changes, the emotions will be even harder to handle. People that have dealt with this kind of grief before you, who have survived what seems to be the end, may be able to be an encouragement to you, when it seems as though nothing can.
Even though right now, you may be confident that you’ll never want to be pregnant again, there may come a day that you change your mind. People who love you dearly may encourage you to come to that point sooner, rather than later, believing that another baby will help to heal the hurt of losing this baby. They may or may not be right–that depends on you. Having another baby after loss of this one probably seems scary, if not downright dreadful! Don’t rush, just to satisfy others. When the time is right, you’ll be ready, or the time may not come, and you may decide to never try again.
As you grieve, remember that there are, most likely, others grieving with you. Certainly, they cannot grieve the same way you do . . . . Even if they felt those “nudges” when you put their hands on your belly, no one felt them from the inside, the way you did. They are grieving, though, and you can probably help them in their grief as no one else can. In the midst of your loss, you have an opportunity. Now, that opportunity may be to help others who are grieving with you. Later, you just may have an opportunity to help another mother who has lost a child. Helping others, in this case, just may help you to heal.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. (Psalm 23:4, ESV)
